The Kitchen Witches by Caroline Smith
The Fox and Crow Pub
(W.A. Murphy Student Centre, UPEI)
Saturday February 26, 2022, 1-4pm
Performance dates: April 28-30
Please contact Colin Hood to book an audition at email@example.com
Isobel Lomax and Dolly Biddle are two “mature” cable-access cooking show hostesses who have hated each other for thirty years, ever since Larry Biddle dated one and married the other. When circumstances put them together on a TV show called The Kitchen Witches, the insults are flung harder than the food! Dolly’s long-suffering TV-producer son, Stephen, tries to keep them on track, but as long as Dolly’s dressing room is one inch closer to the set than Isobel’s, it’s a losing battle, and the show becomes a ratings smash as Dolly and Isobel top both Martha Stewart and Jerry Springer.
DOLLY BIDDLE -40-70 A little cherub of a woman, prone to overweight but always going at top speed. She indulges herself with anything life has to offer whenever possible – even if it’s not good for her!? – and her creative imagination knows no bounds. She is intensely proud of her son Stephen, loves to dispense advice along with recipes for cabbage rolls and borscht and hates Isobel Lomax with an intensity usually reserved for detonating nuclear devices.
STEPHEN BIDDLE – 20-50 Nervous, prematurely balding but decent young man who actually enjoys producing low-budget cable TV shows, even when his Mom is the star. Bright and capable, if somewhat shy, but always reluctant to confront Dolly on her many shortcomings. He’s not a fighter - he’d rather be a lover, but nobody’s asked him yet.
ISOBEL LOMAX – 40-70 Thinks Martha Stewart could learn something about homemaking from her. She trained at the Cordon Bleu and enjoyed a successful career, including her own show “Busy Izzy.” Isobel likes people to think she has a much classier background than reality supports; she would never go out without being properly accessorized. At heart, she is a bright funny and articulate woman who has come to terms with the choices she made early in life.
ROB OR ROBERTA THE CAMERA PERSON- 16-25 Non-speaking role (except for one line!). Rob is a young intern with an eccentric wardrobe; Stephen is a little afraid of him/her. He/she cleans up the sets, resets props, carries the portable camera around during the “live broadcasts” and despite his/her appearance, is generally extremely efficient and precise. (Can be played by an actual ASM or production assistant.)